"I dream of a hard and brutal mysticism in which the naked self merges with the nonhuman world and somehow survives...Paradox and bedrock."-Edward Abbey

20 August 2012

The Demon's Mask

She's only about the nicest girl I've ever met. Any time we've encountered one another, she's nothing short of polite and gregarious to a fault. She constantly invites us to parties or other opportunities to hang out.

I am terrified of her...

It's not her, but me. My neurosis. It's not because of misanthropic tendencies, but breathing nightmares from my past. See, when I see her, I don't see her, unfortunately. I see someone else.

I see the face of a bygone lover who taught me profound lessons in fear and violation. The one who reminded me that there really is no justice. The one who invaded my home once and tried to attack me with a shard of broken glass. The author of some of my worst nightmares.

How do you explain that to someone? Tell them you're somewhat frightened of them because they look entirely too much like a personal demon? It's rather unfair to do to someone, but, in context, fair really has nothing to do with it. Just as there is no justice, there's no such thing as fair.

Any time I see her, I am nothing short of civil. I was raised with manners, of which, at times, have been called anachronistic, and she is only about the nicest girl I've ever met. Still, I walk away from the interaction shaking off a chill, trying to exorcise a demon from my psyche who wears the mask of someone who has nothing to do with it.


  1. I once met someone in college who was the visual twin of my sister. The sister who tormented me for decades...I dropped the class and changed my major.

    Rationality has nothing to do with visceral pain.

    I love your last line...

  2. How profound. I have never been able to enjoy Kid Rock because he looks so much like my ex. Doesn't really matter if I ever would have liked his stuff or not, he looks, talks and moves like my ex, so he's never going to be on my playlist.

    And, yes, I have to shake off a chill.

    Very nice post.

    1. There's a bit of Kid Rock snark I'll forgo in this instance...

      Thank you. That chill is the worst part.