I have been meditating upon faith. Tests and losses. Shattered and true. The fact I find it a good idea to temper such a thing with reason. Then again, there could be those who see reason as an article of faith, but that's getting into the kind of philosophy that makes those with weaker constitutions heads explode.
Entertaining? Why, yes. But also quite messy. See, brain meat has a tendency to leave stains.
A little over two months ago, I noted that Pantheism had worked its way into the mathematics of my thoughts. I was not bothered by this. In fact, it made sense, gelling with my Buddhist practice nicely. If queried, I might say I am a Pantheistic heretical Tibetan Buddhist.
I find myself wondering if this shift, or addition, to my theology has to do with my mother. Death, even and especially of someone close, has a nasty tendency to affect one's perception of things. Way back when my father's mother died, and Jibril, three days after that, I noted a great many things change with the cessation of a heartbeat.
I know my mother's death caused my sister to be angry with her conception of god. For me, it not only proved the First Noble Truth of Buddhism, but also the reality of chaos. From every close death, I have taken a lesson.
I do believe my Buddhist practice helped me with understanding and accepting both the facts at hand and the emotions I felt. Pantheism, seeing the universe and/or nature as god[?] came shortly before and definitely in the aftermath. Understanding the Divine as a force nature and things happening in terms of roll of the bones chaos, instead of punishment and reward, helped me-and still does-to reconcile my mother's death.
Well, if nothing else, it's kept me from screaming...
To say my perception of the universe has changed would be trite. After all, that happens often, sometimes in the span of a heartbeat. Of course things have changed since early winter. Some good, some bad, some irrevocably. So it goes.
I find my faith, however quirky and heretical, still in place, evolving with my perceptions. Nothing ever truly remains static, and anyone who'd say otherwise is either daft or selling something. Those who cling to that delusion are suffering from the grasping of attachment, which perpetuates the concept of samsara.
Not saying that I'm enlightened. Even saying I have an understanding would be downright pompous. What I think can be noted without any arrogance is I am comfortable. Things make sense to me. Whilst I realize there are things I do not know, owning up to my ignorance, it lends to my sense of comfort. See, there's still more to learn, and that is a great adventure.